Two years ago today, I wrote a few letters and placed them on my kitchen counter next to my Living Trust and Will. I sat down on my couch, loaded my weapon and slowly raised it, with only one thought in mind. After years of struggling, the darkness had finally taken over. I couldn’t picture a way out, and I attempted to take my life.
I will never understand why or how I am still here today because it honestly doesn't make sense. The only thing I can attribute it to, is there is some power, greater than me, that had a plan for me. I'm grateful, and thankful to be here today. Even when the tide shifts, and life becomes more of a struggle, I know there is way out, I know it will get better. Truthfully, before my attempt, I never felt that feeling. Prior, I didn't believe it would ever get better, and honestly, majority of the time - I couldn't picture my future.
As I sit here today, I find myself reflecting on the last two years. Especially, the last year. My life has changed so drastically. In fact, there were a few waves that in the past, I would have never thought I'd make it through. I remember, riding some of these out the last year, and saying in therapy, "In the past, this would be something that would have destroyed me, but even with this happening, I am reminding myself it will get better." I remember when my life was being flipped upside down, and I experienced different sides of certain people, people I thought would always be here, I remember going into therapy, completely distraught with the current landscape of my life, but being able to tell Mandy, "I am drowning, but not in the way I used to, suicide hasn't even crossed my mind." Finding myself in complete darkness, but knowing it would get better was such a huge milestone for me.
Like I mentioned, my life completely changed over the last 12 months. As I sit here, I find myself thinking of every adventure, opportunity, and friendship that I could have missed out on. My roommate, Brandi, has easily become the 'big-sister' I never had (or wanted, haha)! We've shared so many laughs (even the occasional argument), but I wouldn't trade it. She has taught me so much from friendship, to life advice. She is truly a blessing in my life, and it’s crazy to think - I would have missed out on this chapter. I don’t know what I’d do without Brandi - or our three dogs (they bring so much joy).
The PT Chronicles - the saga of my never ending days in the clinic and all the friendships it has formed. MaKenzie is easily one of my dearest friends. She tells me like it is, when I need to hear it harshly, and we've built an amazing friendship outside of the clinic. I went to her wedding, our beloved fur-children have play dates, and we shoot the shit and laugh constantly (for anyone wondering, yes I still struggle to be on time to my appointments). The PT Clinic has become a home away from home. I've built some truly amazing friendships with everyone there, and have had many exciting adventures because of it. Aside from MaKenzie, many others like Kate and Connor have become amazing friends. As wild as it sounds, the clinic is one of my happy places.
The PT clinic even brought me Avery. That friendship has grown in so many special ways. She is such an important part of my day to day. Her husband, Jay, also an integral part of my life. Like me, Avery & Jay are dog parents, which has brought us many play dates as well.
Each one of these people, help heal me in different ways every time we hang out or talk. They’re all there for me in different ways, and all play such a special part in my life. I learn from each person something special, and am truly reminded by these friendships what it means to support, care, and be there through tribulations and celebrations. I’ve slowly learned, different seasons bring different people. At times, some of those people may shift, or show you a different side. It’s okay if one chapter ends. It’s okay for certain relationships to end, just remember it’s okay. Things change, I promise.
The last few months were a struggle. I had been overwhelmed, depressed and ridden with anxiety, it was only within the last week I have started to settle back into my normal, but looking back at everything I almost missed out on brings me happiness. Happiness I am still here, and thankful for each new adventure and person that has walked into my life. I remember when I truly couln't picture a future for me, but in no way, would have imagined to be where I am today. Keep going, I promise it's worth it.
⎻ H.M. Jackson
Komentarze