I'm usually one who gets tongue tied when trying to talk about my feelings, or open up. Even in therapy, when I don't want to talk about specific things I tend to shut down and get real quiet. When this happens, Mandy is always quick to remind me "you know what might help? Talking about it." I used to roll my eyes as she said it. Now to me, it's one of her 'famous' quotes and I can almost call when she's going to say it.
It's such a simple concept - talking about it. I have to give myself a little credit because looking back, I have grown in opening up in certain areas, however the 'hard' or 'uncomfortable' topics I'd still much rather avoid, even in therapy.
Then today, I was reminded of something. When you don't talk about something that is bothering you, it boils inside. Eventually, it explodes. Just like a pot of boiling water on the stove that you left covered for too long. It reaches the boiling point, and 'boom!' After you reach the tipping point, you often think, "oh I should have said something." In this moment, I realized again why it is so important to open up and talk to your support system, your therapist, or your loved ones.
The last several months, I've been registered on auto-pilot. Still recovering from a grueling sports injury, getting back into the swing of things at the office, moving, the list goes on. I was becoming worn down trying to hold it all together by keeping myself in auto-pilot. To me, as long as I had it together on the outside, and with work, I've got it together. As I continued down my path of self-reflection, it hit me. This is exactly how I used to operate. On auto-pilot, not talking about it, and moving forward regardless of how exhausted I became. As I remembered that, it dawned on me how unhealthy that had become in the past.
Maybe I needed to leave the lid on the boiling water to long, to be reminded of the work I've put in, and the importance of continuing to move forward. It helped me reflect on everything, the past, the present, and even look back on my own tell-tale signs of when I'm breaking myself down. I realized this morning, talking about it has always helped, even when it's difficult. It's just another tally mark I can chalk up to Mandy's right (but don't tell her I said that, she hears it enough from me in session).
As I sit here, I can hear Mandy with her infamous quote, "you know what might help? Talking about it." This is my little reminder to everyone, myself included, don't bottle it up, don't shove it down, feel your feelings, open up, and talk about whatever it is to someone you trust.
⎻ H.M. Jackson
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